Friday, July 23, 2010

Two Shells -24/07/2010


I'm glad that you're glad that I'm here.

It was one of those
odd one to one thousand things
we were just eggs once
living lives unfertilised
waiting exposed on shore
fighting random chance
the fickleness of sand
as a cradle
and the lap of every wave
that didn't want us.

We now have our shells
and we've held
our moisture within
kept wet this far
while following faint footprints
leading us away from shore
we found the tide
now we'll take it on a ride.

Now we'll
learn to ocean-swim
now you'll
show me to dive
and I will
teach you my smile.

You can
float on your back
cast shadows below
only need to look up
to avoid
the garbage.

I can
watch you attack waves
with flipper limbs
splash around like an idiot.

You can
show me ways to breathe
out here
just beyond shallow.

I can
fish for compliments
watch schools of tiny creatures
go scatter around our legs.

We can
the smudged shore line
where I left my things
salty all over
this pale skin
the clear water
where our fins won't touch the bottom
long enough for it to get cold.

we can
swim back for the land
even though we've been out there
and now know
the deep down below
we still realise that when the swimming ends

Back on land, we might need these hard shells again.




Thursday, July 22, 2010

Cult of Personality -23/07/2010



I think the quote came from (while I'm grandstanding) ~

So to get to the point (as my work is wont to do, apparently), Smarty and I are off again on tour next week. As well as a show in Sydney and Wagga Wagga, we're also taking in the Nimbin Performance Poetry World Cup, with a $3000 prize money stake up for grabs. So here I am, sitting in the dark at work near 2am thinking about what to memorise, as far as new-ish stuff from the blogs here.

Any suggestions? Just comment here or e mail me privately your opinions on what stuff I've done recently that stood out for you.

Anyway, it feels like I only just got back from that 3 weeks out west, and I seriously haven't slept more than 5 or 6 nights at home since then. Working lots, writing lots, reading lots, hanging out with friends lots, nearly got my Wordplay pod casting finished, and I have a new musical project in the pipeline too. It's all good, but exhaustion is following me everywhere, my security blanket now. If I sit still in any one place or doing one thing for a while, I fall asleep pretty quickly.

A while ago the man said to me: I could have a chance at attaining my dream, I'd just have to work harder than I ever have in my life to achieve it. It seemed like a fair deal, still does.

You push yourself into spaces, physically and psychologically that you just don't recognise from the shape of people around you, my working hours, my vocation, my priorities, none of it looks like my friends' do, nothing on the roadmap tells me where this ends up, I could... use some rest.

I'm still just making this up as I go, but I am going.



Monday, July 19, 2010

...You Fool -20/07/2010


before the first time they kiss

they'll stop waiting for fireworks
forgetting smooth talk lines rehearsed
un-licked lips will then have earned this
salvaged from a dozen other maybe yes now moments missed
waiting procrastinating dictating
to himself his mouth can't be this dry
and she'll have stopped avoiding his eyes

the idea
can't have lingered too long
to turn to fear
they'll be past the point of nervous laughs
not a feeling silly sorry said
nothing of ums and ahs
instead, and for once
those two
won't feel like those calls across the room
where everybody notices you
except the only person intended to

before the first time they kiss
there'll be twelve more chances missed
and he fumbles for courage
and she sits there dis-couraged
and it all hourglass sand slips desperately quiet away
to be lost in a junk draw full of excuses to wait
hesitating debating butterfly nerves
and scattered in-instinctual social reserve
spiralling towards the same old and oft repeated end
on second thought maybe we're just 'sposed to be friends

before the first time they kiss
that perfect moment never showed it
now before cracked lips
somehow again let this slip
desperation as lubrication
fear steers away near lost chances
don't ask or explain
suddenly he'll just lean in
as she will do the same

and the first time they kiss
it always feels like this
almost maybe really kinda not hardly at all shaking
not that much


for apologising so much
as their lips touched
she was at a bad angle,
he was still out of breath
a mangled sentence left
and everybody else watching
now not enough to stop them

they almost blew it
looking for a perfect moment

instead of simply making one happen.




Sunday, July 18, 2010



If you only knew,

the magnitudes
of sheer
I have brought
into existance

in my imagination,

against this printer. terrifies even me.




Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Long -14/07/2010


My hands are not on you

A human torch
smouldering my best
through a day time

Waiting for a spark
to catch.

By night
I'll be fire glowing
under the same sky
as you
and the sunset
will again

It is without noise and unable to last.




Saturday, July 10, 2010

Engrish -08/07/2010


Getting tenses wrong
the whole time
you were wanting to learn
the language better
from me
I am
trying to untangle myself
from its constrictions
at the same time.

Hands in my pockets
with nowhere else
to hide extra words
so few I can use
with you
I wanted
to say
I was I mean I am
thinking about your hair
that it looked so, um.... good.

So we walked
my feet
your mouth
and each step struggling
towards our self expression
that might mis-understand
and our shoulders
rubbed much closer
than our comprehensions could.

In my fourth decade
trying to master english
each word went out of it's way
to double mean
to imply
avoid eye
and do my awkward for me.

Yet my meaning
made itself clear
despite my worst efforts
so off hand self sabotaging remarks
fell flatter
than the over stacked metaphors
they came from
and all I can do
is communicate
with you.

Yeah you
trying to tell
clever wording
won't work here
stop trying to show off
is usually all I have
on offer
and usually how I have
comprehended enough
of my mouth
to understand
that's when
I am
my least impressive.

so few words we share
we wrestle over the use
of each one
and I won't lose any
to you and your
your misplaced plural-isation.

Two is company.

Phrases in my way
if wordless
I could imply
with just eyes
it is
I look like
I'm looking for
an excuse
not to say,

That you might not mis-understand.

too many double negative
exempted exceptions
And I have
far too many
collections of
complicated phrases
for you,


was not
the way
I wanted
to tire out
our tongues...

if you know what I mean.




Monday, July 5, 2010

June Twenty Two -06/07/2010


June twenty two

it found me walking the night
in another city
that I'd never been before
that looked like every other city
amongst the dozens I've been to
since the day,

That I left you.

So far gone
the long times spent
from a need to call in
to where there was a home
from these many cities
with one way streets
and single serve sleeps.

And these walks
I lose track of their exact
numbers now
but must have walked down
hundreds of such strips
that stretch as far
and further than I can take them
across all those cities
the number of which
I long ago quit

As this lonely planet bookshelf blur
of countries
tallies into forgotten phrasebook
collections of lessons
that slowly accumlates
but I will never get tested on,
I forget the details over time
but never
have I failed
to retain this date.

June Twenty Two.

Before that I never knew
an around the world
view enlargened
where everywhere
crowds wear the same skins
and the streets will do anything
to avoid any of their eyes
with as much to hide
as I'll never know
in questions
in reasons
in regrets
affirmations and hopes
as I lived them out
of my system
around the globe.

Walked my eyes all over
paving these new paths
with our old memories
that love too childish
to have lasted
too consuming
to sustain
too sincere
to have survived
too real
to forget
or ever really get over...

Over and over
yet alone
when left alone
in any space
like this place.

Three years today since I left
after that final friday night
so that I go out
and find out

That you were right.

when you said
amongst the latter
and more bitter blows
exchanged between us

one thing you uttered
almost a whisper
a kind of curse
and worse
than other thing
you tried to put on me

I remember
you said I would never
and forever
no matter what
be able
to find
another woman
like you.

Were wrong

You were wrong about everything

except that.


- Peace


AND THEN... -06/07/2010


And then I met her and I talked to and I was talking to her and she talked to me and then she was still talking to me and it felt really nice and then it felt so nice that I was thinking I should get her number and then she said she was thinking I should get her number and I said y-y-yes I would like to g-g-get your n-n-number and she gave me her number and then I had her number and I said to her I will d-d-definitely call and then we talked some more and she smiled and I smiled because she smiled and all I could think about was that she gave me her number and that I would call her and we kept talking and it still felt nice and she touched my arm and then she rubbed my arm and then I rubbed her shoulders and she said that was nice and there were people watching and I didn’t care and she didn’t seem to care either and then it was later and I said hey it’s late and I was leaving the p-p-p-p-party n-n-now and goodbye I will c-call you tomorrow and then I left the party and then I went home and was thinking about how it felt to rub her shoulders and about calling her tomorrow for the rest of the night and then it was tomorrow and then I waited to call her until later that day not to look desperate and then I was desperate to call her and then it was the afternoon and I thought again about calling her and then I thought more about calling her andthenandthenandthenandthen...

I called her.

And then the phone was ringing as I was calling and it was ringing and it was ringing and the phone was ringing because I was calling her and I was hoping the phone would answer and then the phone answered and I was hoping it would actually be her who answered and not be a wrong number and it was actually her who answered and it was not a wrong number and then she said hello who is this and I said hello and I said I’m that guy you met at that party last night and she said hello that guy I met at that party last night and she sounded happy to hear from me and then she said she was happy that she’d heard from me and I said I was also happy that she was h-h-happy to h-have heard f-f-f-from me or something andthenandthenandthenandthen I felt really nervous because I was actually pretty nervous and I felt like apologising for things and I think I probably did apologise for things three t-t-times in the conversation and I talked but I don’t think she noticed and I hope she didn’t notice and she said she was with some friends now and she will call me back a little bit later and I said yes call me b-b-back,

a little bit later.

andthenandthenandthen I hung up the phone and I sat there waiting and hoping she would call me back and then later still I started to get scared so scared starting to think that she might not want to call me back and that maybe she might not call me back and then I was scared because so many times before it ends that way.

And it did.




Sunday, July 4, 2010

Barely a Sound -05/07/2010


You get that, don't you?

Where the wanting
gives you some rest.

There's no words there
no memory
no memorial
like destiny without destination
like poems read without a page
seeing movie scenes without a screen
taking a bike ride without using hands
and having sex with nothing but.

Where any word
would intrude
the thanks never mouthed
song that you can't sound
permissions given you
to break barriers you never knew
ever even existed, somehow

and didn't care to, for now.

You will fill these moments
with the utter emptiness
the quality of your unknown quantities
you will let go of letting go
and you will just
hold yourself

As brief as a lensflare
those times you'll know
the differences between
what you might be missing
and what you actually can,

just plain do without.




Friday, July 2, 2010

Festival Application -03/07/2010


Another FESTIVAL APPLICATION and y'know I just wanna punch innocent or defenseless animals afterwards...

But during, ah during the torturous writing of this application, I want to stab with a capital STAB,
stab and stab and keep stabbing with the rustiest fucking scissors I can find, that fucking arsehole you wrote this application form, stab the person who after eight other perfectly obnoxiously facile questions like how will I explore the possibilities of performance then expects seventy five words (or less) from me about how will I, infact, be "innovative in the use of space"

I'll be fucking innovative in the use of this space by kicking your ART-WANKER fucking arse all the way across it, before hanging you by your scarf from the rafters and painting my self portrait in your blood underneath you. INNOVATE THAT! You utterly pointless fuckheaded malicious little pricks!

You wanna talk innovation, and I just keep reading the same bafflingly empty questions. Buzzwording around me, but let me ask you: how many hoops must a man jump through before you can call him a MOTHERFUCKER whose had enough of dilettantes holding court letting positions fill people instead of people fulfilling their positions, motherfucker?

Innovate... and coming from you the word reeks of the same stench that that greasy neanderthal failed human being turned shaven-ape emits, the one I used to get standing in my way as a teenager telling me I ain't gettin' in -not wearing those shoes, the very shoes I just wanted to cleat-stitch to his damn face with all the blunt forced trauma of a performer who DOESN'T HAVE AN ART DEGREE, and decades and lays later I don't line up dress up show up or shut up for shit any more and I back the flack into those years, that I should left the damn line queue before that collection of miss-assembled gene pool stagnant watered-down features posing as a human face, could arrange itself into enough of a coherent collection of activity to sneer back at me after I said, FUCK YOU AND YOUR CLUB ANYWAY.

am going home.

when I tell you what a waste of space you fuckers are understand,
my afternoon has been fuckheaded banging into walls, that seem to be all your application is actually made out of and...
Know that I know, just as much as I let bouncers knew I hated them too,
Yes I'm procrastinating
yes it in a decisively non-innovative way to go about it
Yes I would have it done by now if I wasn't
yes I'm turning this into a poem!
yes I know they won't let performance poetry into an performing arts festival unless I rock up in the emperors new clothes
yes I know it's just the lingo darlings... oh darlings because
but yes...
I'm sick of pencil neck hamster dick arseholes expecting performance poets like me to try and do the act of trying to get through the gates by dressing up as the one half of the horses arse that I AM NOT clealry and do this so badly because that's not what I was here to do, just so I can be stopped, searched and found to be the fraud pretending to be -innovative- in a way you demanded I try and be to line up here in the first place, and turned around anyway.
I am saying remonstrating-ly appalled and simultaneously exhausted... with you and your artistic demerits.

Fuck it.
fuck your questions
fuck your festival
fuck your space
fuck knows I know when I'm not wanted
anf fuck me dead don't ask me why you don't see poetry in more festivals
fuck your applications
fuck your funding fuck your mum fuck your face
and fuck it, its getting late.

Yes I should stop agonising over it
yes I know writing this won't help.

Fuckheaded...yes I made 'fuckhead' into a verb...


How's that for innovation?




Thursday, July 1, 2010

If You Ask Me... -02/07/2010

Not sure
but well...

I reckon
we reached that point
I'm still just a page
or two
away from
as close
as I'll ever really get
to getting it.

You can go on
if you ever
that you're getting lost
you can always
come back
this way.

You'll find me...


still stuck,

between the lines.




Bubble Boy -01/07/2010


for how long
I had stood there

watching you sleep.

It looked so warm
behind your eyelids
I wanted to be

enough to find
that deep rest
we both so desperately
still seem to need.

enough not to wake you
as gently as you’d need to be
to catch bubbles
without them breaking.

enough not to wake
the middle of the night
nowhere you want to find
yourself by yourself.

It looked
so damn warm down there
beside you
forgot how long
I had stood there.

Should have left
your smile still round
your eyes still closed
your sleep so tight
and protective
that you couldn't wake
and catch me
standing there,

watching you sleep.

I was watching you sleep
and not wanting
to face that doorway
and walk out,

Back into the cold.




The Better Half -01/07/2010


even a word between us
I knew
how eager she was
to have me back.

Our bodies met
in rushes of divine
touch as a prolonged apology
for the distance.

for all that

are what we
were waiting for.

Danced together
joined at the hip
worked me so hard
yet it felt so effortless
wanting to give her more
and more
always more.

Felt the earth move
beneath us
and so excited
I slid out
a couple of times.

With her
I can live my smile
can be genuine
be masculine.

She's seen me
as scared
as I sometimes need to be
let me
wanted me

With her
I am my essentials.

with her
and am completed
by her.

The two of us together
a singular statement
against the world
times two
betting on long odds
til the bitter end.

Ony one thing
is missing
from this relationship~

clip-in pedals.