.
so want to be a poet
goes like this~
your opening line is
important
apparently
not really
nobody is
listening
kids
hey shut up back there
my advice to young writers
is to rip off lines from other people's lines
fuck everybody
or fuck everybody
make fun of everybody else
then make yourself, a lot of enemies
that's it, and a few more
find out who their enemies are
these
will be your new friends
they will love you
everybody will love you
and that's why you'll hate them
in that order
that's why they'll hate you
before that happens
make fun of yourself mercilessly
it will scare the crap out of them
leave critics with nowhere to go
now, about people
find out what is very important
to them
attack it
attack it like it hurt you once
bad
and you've been waiting
then do it again
Christ will-you hurry up about it
now get drunk
now laugh at it
I said laugh fucker
(laugh)
everything that makes you happy
makes you a shit poet
unless making others unhappy
makes you happy
then you're okay
turn everything into a poem
anything to do with mums or dad
or disabled refugee aboriginal drowning polar bear
holocaust rape victims
is pure fucking gold mate
hey don't fucking smile at me...
if I ever see you getting good
I'll turn on you
if I even think you're saying something
or something I don't agree with
I'll turn on you
ah fuckit I'm going to turn on you anyway
now I'm going to remind you
that I told you to turn back
that you didn't want this for you
that I begged you to go play-write instead
... I forget if I ever said that though
no don't go back and check
anyway,
show your teeth
then try bite off
your own left ear
work out
in a mirror
masturbate
pretend that you're thinking
delete the most important line out of your poem
if your poem is about what it's about
then you're in deep shit
if I have to spell out why subtext
is important in a piece of writing
well...
it's about creating a hungry empty space
to be filled in deep
when they read between the lines
(that is a sex metaphor about sex, very sexy sex)
make the audience a vagina
I mean I mean I mean
make them an imaginative participant
in your story
yes, take your reader on a journey
that involves trying to have sex with them
a wondrous magical spiritual journey that
ends
abruptly
if they don't
use your writing selfishly
if your poems can't get you laid
they're shit
if your poems are getting you laid
you're really in deep shit
don't try and be ironic
people are ape-shit stupid
what, you didn't know that?
how stupid are you my case in point
I'm glad you're paying me to tell you all this
stupid
let's do some stupid writing exercises now
get in a circle, look into the eyes of someone
pretend popularity is stalking you
like a mugger
and you better run
and better memorize
you better sound American
yo better be hip hop
one time like
I thought you knew
up in here
but you don't hear me doe'
clickclickclickclickclick
now forget the name of everybody
now forget their faces
now sell the house
now sell the car
sell the kids
sell the money
sell stop trying
stop them from stopping you
stop me if I'm wrong
or stop asking stupid questions
don't look for answers out this far
don't write anything you fully understand
just let everything you put down ring false
then turn in on it's head
and you're still not going to be interesting yet
when I was your age
I was older than you
I wasn't trying to write poetry
I wasn't having sex, but trying
I wasn't having luck
I wasn't trying to change the world
I was trying not to get caught
and I was really angry
poetry isn't for kids
it isn't for families
or for weddings
isn't for friends
it isn't for fun
for healing
isn't helping
it isn't for anything
...shit I don't think this is for me
any questions?
Oh yeah I said not to ask any
get drunk, I already said that too
so that's enough wisdom for today
so here's my closing thoughts
here's my website
here's my advice
here's my high score
here's my community
here's my slam rhythm
here's my Taylor Mali impression impression
(I haven't met Taylor Mali but I hear he's really nice.
ah who am I kidding. No I don't.)
here's my thing like it's my thing
like every slam poem-
is like that other slam poem
like it was all this one giant big poem
like I wish I still wished I was black
because you and I
belong together
you and I
forever and ever
no matter where you are
you're my shining
press kit...
oh and yes also here's my invoice
yes it's statement of supplier
here's my rider, plus one and guest list
well that's enough out of me
hope you kids have learned something
about learning something poetry about kids
mirroring your lines the way Shane Koyczan does
Shane Koyczan way the lines mirroring
about kids poetry
you know it's me
and if I ever catch any of you little shits
trying to bite my uh, shit...
I'll laugh my arse off at you
'cause it got me nowhere
narrowly
like by point three of a judges
discretion
it took a long time to get here
Melbourne-Bitter but it was
such a fun ride
til it was time
to get off
(sexy sex metaphor is also now running joke. hash tag)
oh and your last line is important.
apparently
ahem... umm
scrotum
______________________________
-Scrotum
.
so want to be a poet
goes like this~
your opening line is
important
apparently
not really
nobody is
listening
kids
hey shut up back there
my advice to young writers
is to rip off lines from other people's lines
fuck everybody
or fuck everybody
make fun of everybody else
then make yourself, a lot of enemies
that's it, and a few more
find out who their enemies are
these
will be your new friends
they will love you
everybody will love you
and that's why you'll hate them
in that order
that's why they'll hate you
before that happens
make fun of yourself mercilessly
it will scare the crap out of them
leave critics with nowhere to go
now, about people
find out what is very important
to them
attack it
attack it like it hurt you once
bad
and you've been waiting
then do it again
Christ will-you hurry up about it
now get drunk
now laugh at it
I said laugh fucker
(laugh)
everything that makes you happy
makes you a shit poet
unless making others unhappy
makes you happy
then you're okay
turn everything into a poem
anything to do with mums or dad
or disabled refugee aboriginal drowning polar bear
holocaust rape victims
is pure fucking gold mate
hey don't fucking smile at me...
if I ever see you getting good
I'll turn on you
if I even think you're saying something
or something I don't agree with
I'll turn on you
ah fuckit I'm going to turn on you anyway
now I'm going to remind you
that I told you to turn back
that you didn't want this for you
that I begged you to go play-write instead
... I forget if I ever said that though
no don't go back and check
anyway,
show your teeth
then try bite off
your own left ear
work out
in a mirror
masturbate
pretend that you're thinking
if your poem is about what it's about
then you're in deep shit
if I have to spell out why subtext
is important in a piece of writing
well...
it's about creating a hungry empty space
to be filled in deep
when they read between the lines
(that is a sex metaphor about sex, very sexy sex)
make the audience a vagina
I mean I mean I mean
make them an imaginative participant
in your story
yes, take your reader on a journey
that involves trying to have sex with them
a wondrous magical spiritual journey that
ends
abruptly
if they don't
use your writing selfishly
if your poems can't get you laid
they're shit
if your poems are getting you laid
you're really in deep shit
don't try and be ironic
people are ape-shit stupid
what, you didn't know that?
how stupid are you my case in point
I'm glad you're paying me to tell you all this
stupid
let's do some stupid writing exercises now
get in a circle, look into the eyes of someone
pretend popularity is stalking you
like a mugger
and you better run
and better memorize
you better sound American
yo better be hip hop
one time like
I thought you knew
up in here
but you don't hear me doe'
clickclickclickclickclick
now forget the name of everybody
now forget their faces
now sell the house
now sell the car
sell the kids
sell the money
sell stop trying
stop them from stopping you
stop me if I'm wrong
or stop asking stupid questions
don't look for answers out this far
don't write anything you fully understand
just let everything you put down ring false
then turn in on it's head
and you're still not going to be interesting yet
when I was your age
I was older than you
I wasn't trying to write poetry
I wasn't having sex, but trying
I wasn't having luck
I wasn't trying to change the world
I was trying not to get caught
and I was really angry
poetry isn't for kids
it isn't for families
or for weddings
isn't for friends
it isn't for fun
for healing
isn't helping
it isn't for anything
...shit I don't think this is for me
any questions?
Oh yeah I said not to ask any
get drunk, I already said that too
so that's enough wisdom for today
so here's my closing thoughts
here's my website
here's my advice
here's my high score
here's my community
here's my slam rhythm
here's my Taylor Mali impression impression
(I haven't met Taylor Mali but I hear he's really nice.
ah who am I kidding. No I don't.)
here's my thing like it's my thing
like every slam poem-
is like that other slam poem
like it was all this one giant big poem
like I wish I still wished I was black
because you and I
belong together
you and I
forever and ever
no matter where you are
you're my shining
press kit...
oh and yes also here's my invoice
yes it's statement of supplier
here's my rider, plus one and guest list
well that's enough out of me
hope you kids have learned something
about learning something poetry about kids
mirroring your lines the way Shane Koyczan does
Shane Koyczan way the lines mirroring
about kids poetry
you know it's me
and if I ever catch any of you little shits
trying to bite my uh, shit...
I'll laugh my arse off at you
'cause it got me nowhere
narrowly
like by point three of a judges
discretion
it took a long time to get here
Melbourne-Bitter but it was
such a fun ride
til it was time
to get off
(sexy sex metaphor is also now running joke. hash tag)
oh and your last line is important.
apparently
ahem... umm
scrotum
______________________________
-Scrotum
.
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