Lying here
hoping the next man who holds you
has sandpaper hands
eyes as dull as his words are dull
as his mind is dull
like a scuffed floor
sharp as a bowling ball
his tongue a toilet brush
waving windshield wiper wild
in a cactus kiss
with fingertips that prick
like his dick
gentle as a bullbar embrace
lying here
rejection
bleeding edges over your last letter
loose-leaf crumpled-zone sheet linen
hoping
ghosts of the tenderness I showed
will haunt you unheld
through a hugged pile of pillows
hoping
your skin will remember its tingles still
and crawl lunatic
through desperately unsleepable
hours palpable alive
hearing whispered reminders that that whole
'touched like you have never been touched before'
-thing will now
never
touch you again
cold in your comfort zone
forsaken warmth substituting safety
for my body
not
lying here
in the space
...the space
you said
you wanted
from me
I'm now lying here
inside of it
and at last
sharing nothing
with you
and lost now
trying to feel my way out
after searching around for something
from being inside you
to hold on to
something I could, from you, get
to get
a grip
on my own insides
lying here
trying to get through
this arched back
in my learning curve
as it graphed itself out
on this mattress
my back bent spiralling fetal
curling through an embryonic crescent
so I could be as infantile
as you say I am
not
am not
am not
am not
I am
lying here
paper-weight on that letter
to hold down whole
everything you tried to take back
before you took off
with your lint brush pluck
at every point of light
found while eyeing
our shared-nights sky
I tried
straightening out
each of our turns
to the letter
every last phrase
I once floated you on
each word magic spelling out
I now sink into these curses
wanting you
to miss me
as much as
I hate
you
do
not
know
how much
I miss
you
fuck
you
saw
the best parts of me
to be
not good enough
or much too much
the more
the tighter
I tried to hold you
the less you had
to give me
back
hacked
parts of my past off
held each up to light
before throwing them away
to show
you were safe
with me
to give you
more reasons to stay
another
yet another
in tears tearing at myself
I got so small
trying to fit in the hole
you made inside
me
Me, I've been lying here
lying here
right where you left
lying, to myself
the whole time
piling up all of this scorn
to level out a wall
against having to feel remorse
for each time you tried to warn
me
you did try to warn me
and I wish
now
godless in regret
that
I had not gotten
so angry
when you said
I have a problem
with my anger
_________________________
This 167 line monster is intended as a middle poem in a trilogy between 'Hold, Still' and the finale 'Holes'.
--
The gestation period for this was as long and the structuring as difficult as anything I have ever worked on, to date nothing else I've written has endured so much editing. Hopefully that record will stand for a while.
I value any critical feedback you can provide. Cheers
-Peace
.
2 comments:
I did not find this "long" in any sense. It was a poem that resonated and stirred emotions and memories. I like it very much.
Wow! This poem floors me good sir. Concur with Tom that its length is not an issue for engaged readers - you capture the story so well and the final lines. Such a sucker punch in a powerhouse poem. I would define it as the most emotionally gripping and resonant poem I have read by you. (From the editorial side, though, there is an apostrophe that is unnecessary...your skin will remember it's tingles still. If you change that to its I will be most pleased). Otherwise, this is near-perfect imho!
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