Sunday, May 15, 2011

Through -(redux) 16/05/2011


Lying here

hoping the next man who holds you
has sandpaper hands
eyes as dull as his words are dull
as his mind is dull
like a scuffed floor
sharp as a bowling ball
his tongue a toilet brush
waving windshield wiper wild
in a cactus kiss
with fingertips that prick
like his dick
gentle as a bullbar embrace

lying here

bleeding edges over your last letter
loose-leaf crumpled-zone sheet linen
ghosts of the tenderness I showed
will haunt you unheld
through a hugged pile of pillows
your skin will remember its tingles still
and crawl lunatic
through desperately unsleepable
hours palpable alive
hearing whispered reminders that that whole
'touched like you have never been touched before'
-thing will now
touch you again
cold in your comfort zone
forsaken warmth substituting safety
for my body

lying here
in the space

...the space

you said
you wanted
from me
I'm now lying here
inside of it
and at last
sharing nothing
with you
and lost now
trying to feel my way out
after searching around for something
from being inside you
to hold on to
something I could, from you, get
to get
a grip
on my own insides

lying here

trying to get through
this arched back
in my learning curve
as it graphed itself out
on this mattress
my back bent spiralling fetal
curling through an embryonic crescent
so I could be as infantile
as you say I am

am not
am not
am not
I am
lying here

paper-weight on that letter
to hold down whole
everything you tried to take back
before you took off
with your lint brush pluck
at every point of light
found while eyeing
our shared-nights sky
I tried
straightening out
each of our turns
to the letter
every last phrase
I once floated you on
each word magic spelling out
I now sink into these curses
wanting you
to miss me
as much as

I hate




how much
I miss



the best parts of me
to be
not good enough
or much too much
the more
the tighter
I tried to hold you
the less you had
to give me
parts of my past off
held each up to light
before throwing them away
to show
you were safe
with me
to give you
more reasons to stay

yet another
in tears tearing at myself
I got so small
trying to fit in the hole
you made inside


Me, I've been lying here

lying here
right where you left

lying, to myself
the whole time
piling up all of this scorn
to level out a wall
against having to feel remorse
for each time you tried to warn

you did try to warn me
and I wish
godless in regret
I had not gotten
so angry
when you said

I have a problem

with my anger


This 167 line monster is intended as a middle poem in a trilogy between 'Hold, Still' and the finale 'Holes'.


The gestation period for this was as long and the structuring as difficult as anything I have ever worked on, to date nothing else I've written has endured so much editing. Hopefully that record will stand for a while.

I value any critical feedback you can provide. Cheers




Tom said...

I did not find this "long" in any sense. It was a poem that resonated and stirred emotions and memories. I like it very much.

msdebbie said...

Wow! This poem floors me good sir. Concur with Tom that its length is not an issue for engaged readers - you capture the story so well and the final lines. Such a sucker punch in a powerhouse poem. I would define it as the most emotionally gripping and resonant poem I have read by you. (From the editorial side, though, there is an apostrophe that is unnecessary...your skin will remember it's tingles still. If you change that to its I will be most pleased). Otherwise, this is near-perfect imho!