Sunday, December 13, 2009

"Tonsilwritis" -14/12/2009

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This is feeling vaguely reminiscent of those times I was pointedly dared into...
1) Proving I couldn't (infact) run head-first into the student lockers in high school, or
2) Doing as many one-arm pushups as possible in the middle of that Monash Freeway overpass before the truck runs over me, or
3) Drinking the glass of beer even though I knew they'd poured an ash tray into it while I wasn't looking,

...once being foolish enough to confess on facebook that I am currently ailed, I was veritably taunted and challenged (dare I say tormented) into writing something, so as to capture that imagined fevour dream-demented-irasible-mercurial-irrational-tortured-anguished state of mind I must be in while sick.

Well, in the spirit of Anno Hideka's End of Evangelion and many other screenplay/novel favourites of mine, I decided to give the public everything they asked for but in the wrongest-way possible.

The title has been stolen from Geoff Lemon (hi Geoff!)


TONSILWRITIS

Writing?
Hell-fuckin'-no!
Writing = Vocation = Constant Work = Any excuse for a break = Tonsilittus = Headache + Swollen jugular + Sore throat = Cripplingly debilitating illness = Cancelling schedule + Couch + Stripy pyjamas + Watching shitty DVD extra features + Leisurely jerking off + Tackling pile of as-yet-unlistened to-CDs + Irregular eating X Junk food + Random napping / Fuck the phone off already + Ran out of clean dishes yesterday + What day is it - Ah shit I can't call in sick to work 'cause it's casual and I live on the skin of my teeth as it is X (fuckshit!) + Why would any of this be inspiring / Any interest to anyone else + I'm in a bad mood now + How dare you suggest my life isn't inspiring enough normally = My inference of such above anyway + Hitting weakspot + My computer makes an annoying noise that might indeed aggravate headache = At least that's my excuse X An eternal and now distended love of Ferris Buellers Day Off - The hairstyles - the Ferarri being destroyed / Alan Ruck X Charlie Sheen's cameo that everyone forgets is there 'til they watch it / ('cept me ahahaha!) + You've stopped reading ages back = Or are at best scanning = Skimming / Looking for additional laughs X Deconstructionalist + Stupid suggestion / I'll write how and when and why I fucking please X Thank you very much folks = you get the idea + ? (= question mark)

+ There, you fucking happy now? - Trace of irony.



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I haven't actually checked the see if the equation completely cancels out or balances, I just hope you all feel as dirty as I do. That'll learn ya for making well-intentioned and innocent suggestions about my writing habits.

You just be glad I didn't attach a picture to this blog... oh boy.


...

Well, what the hell did you expect? Fear and Loathing in Tropic of on the Road in the Rye. Fuck you! I need rest ...and a cute nurse!


(throws snow globe or other highly symbolic thing at door just as you slam it shut on your way out!)






-Peace





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2 comments:

Geoff said...

Good work Stevens. Only one thing I take issue with. I KNOW THERE'S A CHARLIE SHEEN CAMEO IN FERRIS BUELLER! Don't go trying to hog up all the Ferris love. It was MY favourite movie first. Always was, always will be. And yes, like you, I do feel that my love is a little bit excessive. But it's real. And definitely deeper than yours because I love the haircuts too. Somehow the 80s make Sloan even hotter, and if I ever met her as she was then I would be unable to speak. Like Cameron. And I too would watch her get changed at the pool. As for the Ferrari, that is the very best moment of the entire construction. The pinnacle, and a thing of beauty. Transient beauty, Stephens. Yes.

I have a badge that an English comedian gave me that says What Would Ferris Do? It is my favourite possession, and I try to live my life by this maxim. A far better role model than Jesus.

Randall Stephens said...

bah... grrr.. sputter... cough... ...I'll hog what I please...


...(sob) Ferris.

Oh fine, you can have Ferris then! You, Meg Ryan and Godzilla.

(reaches for another snowglobe)