Wednesday, January 16, 2013

When I grow up I want to be a new year -14/01/2013


last year
I was asked to play the part of myself
for a TV show
and somehow did a bad job of that

last year filled with fear
until it spilt over
into a hospital room
where no one came to visit
except my demons

they didn't bring flowers

collecting injuries
double column indignities
last year I went into red
counting out who owes me
what I've done for them
and all I did
was make myself
additionally miserable

last year looked a bad boss
dead in his eye and said
go fuck yourself

lost that job
the way you lose keys
lose track of time
or lose your patience

I found love
the L word at last
then lost that too
somehow it slipped off
by trying to hold on
to all that unwashed anger
and heavy resentments
carried the long-distance
we crossed to find each other

last year
I tried flirting with disaster
til she called me creepy
and slapped me in the face

2012 was a long story
heart strung-out
teeth first foul mouthed
going down the wrong way
and it sucked

because I let it
had an attitude too small for it
shrunk inside starving off
my unswallowed pride

last year
as my body struggled to heal
under haemophiliac inhibition
and clots of half arse career sit-in
three hundred and sixty five suns
fired warning shots across the sky
cautioning for me to look up
to uncloud my judgement

stop trying to use
internal bruises
to prove external causes
to stop being half a poet
and stop burning bridges
over the holes I dug myself into

to stop trying to act like myself

so I dug deeper
found the map back
buried below all my mistakes
directions written
on the back of the calendar
in my own bad handwriting
mis-spelling out
that we most always
can mark a path forward
month by month
from our mistakes

followed it through
to find her there
she'd been waiting
for me to grow
and out of that hole

it was December thirty first
got there soon as I could
she took my hand
and we busted out
of last year
like a jail break
saying, this year

let's make it better.




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