.
a panic I get
it comes on
while trying to do
the last five push ups
a voice telling me
it's all useless
I can't do it
tells me to stop
makes me feel small
useless
ribbing me
about how much l shake
or my chest hurts
how wonky my elbows are
hard to beat, sometimes
I do, sometimes
I'll just not do the last five
or even ten less
to avoid it altogether
very particular type of panic
that makes it scary
to go down onto the rug
but makes it all the more
triumphant
when you plant
a foot flat
stand back up
beat that voice
drowned it out
pushed it down
lately I haven't been
able to leave that feeling
that voice
behind on the rug
there are days happening
that feel like my whole life
is going to drop a knee
and come off ten short
not good enough
not strong enough
not enough-enough
fear and doubt
and all the weight of yourself
on shaky elbows
and slumped guts
almost there
adding up in tens
almost there
in breaths of two
almost there
shut the fuck you I'm
almost there
I am almost
counting down five
four three
two-
won
_______________________
-Peace
.
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