.
a hammer
looking for something to nail
didn't know what to do
what to say to you
it took me a long time
to grow into my own mouth
to open up this chest
to fill my shoes
empty when I first found them
skin so thin it couldn't conceal
the heart on my sleeve
chip on my shoulder
the bruises all over my ego
took years of aching knees
and awkward exchanges
to figure out where I stood
waiting for a place in this world
to find me
saw red
while watching this space
burnt bridges
just to keep this spot warm
when I grew up
I wanted to be
the best thing
that ever happened to you
and then that never happened
...and the story gets confused
‘round the time they told me
I couldn’t ever touch you
transfused blood virus
before we’d ever figured out
what exactly touch was for
life on hold
a hammer
looking for something to nail
missing the mark
missing the right questions to ask
there was a hole to fill in my mouth
and I couldn’t grow up fast enough
to catch it
I caught Hepatitis C
had it by the tail
-end of my fourteenth year
had it so couldn’t get sex
had it and you became
what I couldn’t get
you became only
what I could get mad at
couldn’t reach out to you
you couldn’t touch this
infectious adolescence
I hated you for that
and I threw out so much
over-muscled rage trying to shake
it was raw
it was big and loud
hard down there
it had no handles
no sides to hold on to
to get over
said fuck the world
really just wanted
to make out with it
indulged my anger
when I couldn't
satisfy my love
until one day
a cure came for me
that was nine years ago
it worked the poison out my blood
and I have been negative ever since
...so to speak
I grew into touch
learned how to feel it
how to say it
to express it
still prick my tongue sometimes
but it’s different
know my name now
know who I am
know it took me
a long time in the getting
an awful-long time
to grow into my own mouth
to open up this chest
to fill my shoes
think I got older
faster than I should...
there are still days
I’m just a hammer
looking for another nail
but it’s not a hang up
not out of anger
not out of bounds
I’m just a tool sometimes
one that doesn’t need fixing
I am one
that can fix things
_______________________________________
Wrote this is a few weeks back and planning to premiere it at a gig this weekend past. Which I didn't end up doing. Have spent the last week in hospital instead. No I haven't been writing about that.
I was originally going to be leaving on my cycling trip today. That's not happening now. The trip will still happen though. Stay tuned.
-Peace
.
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