Tuesday, November 12, 2013

As a rule -12/11/2013


Your ideal lover is someone
you can never quite out-drink
as a rule

they will also have
far better dress sense
than you

as a rule your closest friends
should always be better writers
smarter chess-players
and more-able
fence climbers
than you

have at least two friends
who are very conservative.
play them off against everyone else
at parties

then each other
then quote both of them
when they're not around
pretending their ideas are yours

none of your friends
should be good at budgeting
or be particularly reliable
with money

none of your friends
should go to the gym
or even look like they do
or if they do
no more than say
three days a week

you can have friends
of the opposite sex
just as long as
you always remember
they are all secretly
working together
to bring down your gender


beyond your friends
avoid anyone else
who says they get bored
or who watched television last night
or who defends television
because you know they're lying
about watching SBS

other than with your doctor
accountant, or bike mechanic
you should practice lying to people
constantly and wherever convenient
it is a skill that must be maintained
the ability to lie convincingly is essential
in most emergencies you may face

it's also important that you
have the best taste in music
out of anyone you know

don't try and sing
unless you're a singer
or around a campfire
or drunk
around a campfire
once you are drunk
everyone wants to hear you sing

you should be creeped out
by any of the following:
-people who don't swear
-people who like their bosses
-the idea of amicable breakups

and especially anyone
who professes to have enjoyed
their high-school years

your parents should know
nothing definite about you
so both parties have something
to complain about
at family gatherings

you should never have
their complete approval
at any time
or you're definitely
doing something wrong in life

if you don't have anything nice to say
you're probably excellent to talk to

people without strong opinions
should bother you, strongly

don't waste any time talking at them
it's like trying to punch a balloon
but less fun

having arbitrary favorites of everything
is great, however
it's more important
to identify the bands
films, foods,
and especially people
you utterly hate

you should be able
to talk about this hatred
at length
and without saying
a single thing
rational or reasonable

follow this advice
you'll do okay
as a rule

don't use your phone
to write things
while sitting
on the toilet
because your foot will got to sleep.

You idiot.




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