Growth Patterns -21/05/2015

.

a hammer
looking for something to nail
didn't know what to do
or what to say to you

took me a long time
to grow into my own mouth
open up this chest
to fill my shoes

empty when I first found them
skin so thin couldn't conceal
the heart on my sleeve
chip on my shoulder
the bruises all over my ego

took years of awkward
exchanges on aching knees
to figure out where I stood
waiting for a place in this world
to find me

saw red
while watching this space
burnt bridges
just to keep this spot warm

when I grew up
I wanted to be
the best thing
that ever happened to you

        and then that never happened

                  ...and the story gets confused

                                  ‘round the time they told me

                                                  I couldn’t ever touch you

transfused blood virus
before we’d ever figured out
what exactly touch was for

life on hold
a hammer
looking for something
a blunt instrument
missing the mark
missing the right questions to ask
there was a hole to fill in my mouth
and I couldn’t grow up fast enough
to catch it

I caught Hepatitis C

had it by the tail
-end of my fourteenth year
and wasn't going to live past thirty
had it so I couldn’t have sex
had it and that became
everything that I couldn’t get
women a thing I couldn’t get
you became only
what I could get mad at

couldn’t reach out to you
you couldn’t touch this
infectious adolescence
I hated you for that

indulged my fat anger
when I couldn't
satisfy my starving affection

threw out so much
over-muscled rage
trying to shake
it was raw
it was big and loud
hard down there
it had no handles
no sides to hold on to
to get over

said fuck the world
really just wanted
to make out with it

until one day
a cure came for me
out of nowhere
injected six months of
interferon into my life

medication
for whatever doesn't kill you
makes you a prick
of a needle
in the belly
by twenty six
of the longest weeks suffered
it worked
it worked the poison out my blood
success

that was nine years ago
and I have been negative
ever since
so to speak

escaped that fate of a failed liver
I got to live without expiry dates
or a best before label, again

so where now
I was a prick
looking for a cure
hammer looking for a nail
growing into touch
learning how to feel it
how to express

it took me
a long time
an awful-long time in the getting
to grow into my own mouth
to open up this chest
to fill my shoes

I got through Interferon
got over the Hepatitis C
that I got from being a Haemophiliac
and in all of that
I got older
faster than I should

acting like such a tool
like such a prick
you haven’t felt
the needles the nails
the medicine the waste
the policy of no refunds
on years spent angry

can't change the past
but can unmask my scars
here

medication taken
health restored
liver forgiven
to heal this
ridiculous long list
of everything left unfixed

filling my own shoes
no small feat
if you want to keep growing

                    I want to keep growing

I am a man
given another chance
I survived long enough
to tell you this story
how it is
that I’m not dead yet
more life left to me
than I quite know what to do with

very much alive
and plan on staying that way
but beyond needles and nails
I still have no idea, really
how it is
that


                              I’m supposed to be living






_____________________________









-Peace





.

If I don't make it back, you call in the air strike - 20/05/2015

.

make something
it will help when you're feeling low
art
is what you make of life

make some art for yourself
or art of yourself
go write a poem
sit and draw a picture
brush up on your painting
sculpt a sculpture
take a photo
take a whole bunch of photos
then take them somewhere
make some music
some joyful noise
out of joyless night
make a blog
or a paper plane
or make a blog about paper planes
or something
make anything, into something

make something useless
make a mess
make it up as you go
make it known
make yourself heard
make yourself shut up for just a second
make them all wait
make some room, for yourself
to make some mistakes

do some shit
get some kicks
build another thing
from that Lego kit

make yourself at home
make it out the front door
make yourself stay
make yourself go
make yourself cum
make out with your mind
making love to your art
the endorphins flow
make it so
make it count
make it quick
make such a big deal out of this
make a meal out of this
make changes to the recipe

make someone else happy
it'll make all the difference
make some new friends
make a point of it
that makes no sense at all
make things happen
or make things stop

make it through, until you can
because you can
do what you have to do
to make it
better

bring something into this world
from outside of your inner world
use those pencils and paints
the crayons and glue-sticks
grab your cameras and clack on a keyboard

make wild claims on your creativity
make it hungry and ferocious
make your creativity stay out
all night
and make sure
you make time for that

the act of creation
of being able to make things
imaginative and magnificent
is a gift we each have
we're all of us made that way



so make it count, for something.





___________________

-Peace






.

Very Sexy Sex - (revised 21/ 06/ 2014)

.

was late to work today
because I kept masturbating
after the alarm went off
figured if I was cursed
with waking up early
I should at least
get an orgasm out of it

at thirty four years old
by now can give myself
some amazing orgasms

to the point it can often sour
if not ruin
my sexual relationships
with others

one of my last partners said porn
and over-developed forearm muscles
ruined me, for her

in her efforts to get me off
she would make these awful faces
intense with concentration
ironically
that was very off putting
I didn't have the heart to tell her
besides she had huge breasts

thing is
I think about that sometimes
when I jerk off, now
even though at the time
probably I was thinking about something else
further back, when building up to cum
trying to concentrate on climaxing

that seems to be how it goes
despite my attentiveness
in pleasuring a given partner
learning to read new lovers’ breaths
feel and respond to stimulus
sometimes in the middle of sex
other things
get me excited

I remember
the jagged in-ear whisper
from this girl I slept with
declaring how great my cock is
I’d never heard anything like that
before

I came instantly

I remember
first time I played rough
holding a woman’s wrists behind her back
against some dirty tin fence in Auckland
how her knees melted into me
then

I remember
looking out a tiny window in Kathmandu
a lover going down on me
thinking hey- here I am
looking out a tiny window in Kathmandu
while she’s going down on me... cool

then I lifted her up
bent her over that tiny room's bed
did her from behind
so she could see the view too

all these moments
themselves be-came memory
ejaculated deposits in the spank bank
saving of accounts
re-living touching myself

little things from years back
like that pair of gaudy ear rings
left behind where they’d been dropped
next to the ripped Ansell packet

a sharp gasp made
when I pressed a thumb
into hips while I was on top
while I was inside her

or fucking my first girlfriend
holding her head forward
to make her watch it
go up and down

this is where I've been
when I cum
all that sex
sexy fucking sex
stuck in my mind
elsewhere-

thing is
I don't think sex is sexy anymore
that window was sexy
Auckland was sexy...
(god can't believe I just said that)
times in your life are sexy
after the fact

whilst fixating on the how
and the why and the whom
you cum-with
or don't-with ...not sexy

I'm a voyeur of my own life
perving on my own past
my brain continues to operate
by projecting forward
or reflecting back
memorising what it will later consider a turn on

someone getting themselves off
isn't a typically romantic or beautiful image
but the idea, I think
is sexy
whatever that means

late for work is sexy
the fact that you can make yourself
feel good, by yourself is good
it is worth running late for

almost told my boss that
as an excuse
who knows
she might have got off herself
on picturing me frantically
fighting those five minute snatches
between the snooze button
fucking myself
from memory

masturbation often seen
as a poor substitute for a partner
is actually more important
it all happens inside
time spent penetrating your own mind
your memories, thoughts
of all things yours, is sexy

all there in your head
sexy as you can make it
and you can make it
if you just remember that
you will


enjoy... yourself








___________________________

-Peace.

.