Monday, September 24, 2012

Your Boyfriend -24/09/2012

(re-edited August 2015)


your boyfriend's boring
like getting the bins in
boring like changing batteries
on bathroom scales
or doing laundry
with no stains to hide

a bore like well stocked sock draws
he's about as big a thrill as cleaning the grill
exciting as an oil change on a new car
flesh-coloured bras
and a beige coloured everything else

he's that guy at the party, uh...
no one can remember the name of
that guy at the party who turns up early
that guy at the party who leaves early
he's dinner on the table at 6.30
and he’s unworthy of your home cooking

he’s stupid looking
your boyfriend is too tall
his chiselled chin service
doesn't even deserve this
mention in my poem
he's got all the interest
of a dial tone

imaginative as those sweaters he wears
he looks like a tucked in T shirt
couldn't hold a conversation
with two hands
if you told him to

I don't know what he's talking about
he doesn't know what he's talking about
I know everyone's entitled to their opinion
but his opinion is just wrong
and your opinion of him is WRONG

he's like that sequel to a film
no one wanted to see in the first place
David and Margaret give him
no stars
and for once they'd agree
and agree with me

ah look he's just a dork
good for a spoon but not a fork
he fucks politely
he fucks like an amateur
trying not to damage-ya
he fucking fucks like its fucken fucked
he fucking fucks like he fucking SUCKS
inasmuch as he doesn't
and he doesn't know what to do
know how to lick an orgasm
out of you

oh he's a nice guy
nice guys are supposed to finish last
but from what I hear...he uh,
always finishes first
ah that's the worst

you need someone dangerous
to undress in front of
someone who'll be trying
for a grope when you're driving
who gives unsolicited cunnilingus
when you're on the phone to your mum

he's one better than another night
with a hot water bottle
he's what you got
when you settled
for what you can get
your boyfriend was the safe bet

that man has all the charisma of a cold pizza
he makes for story less interesting
than a well planned holiday
a reserved table
a reserved manner
a balanced bank balance
a balanced argument
or a bicycle built for two

he rides a girl’s bike
in fact he is a girl’s bike
like one with streamers an' a basket
and all that girly girl’s bike stuff
all prissy and silly
skinny wheels that go flat
fucks sake, on top a’that...

your parents even like him
that ain’t right
oh yes he's sensible
and yeah he's reasonable
and sure he’s stable
he is uh, clean, well adjusted
a pretty good dresser
also kind and polite

but y’know seriously,


                                                   he’s a fucken girl's bike


(...yeah well it's about time I had a word to you about him, better you hear this from me.)

Blueprint for a performance piece. A work in progress to be sure, but one that has long needed a nudge out the nest. 



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